I’m angry right now.
I am going to apologize because this is purely like my way of documenting just how fucked up narcolepsy can be. Because I’m pissed at both those motherfuckers. Joe AND this goddamn stupid disease that fucks with your brain, AND your confidence and your self-worth and your… well, everything.
I’m not perfect. I’m not always the strongest creature. I make STUPID ass decisions sometimes and I am straight up an ornery ugly troll sometimes. But… those troll moments are few and far between. Most of the time, I am kind. MOST of the time, my heart shares sunshine wherever possible. Most of the time, I can handle this shit.
Lately, Joe has been tripping over himself in some sort of misguided babyish whining oh-poor-me act. He has taken on a few extra shifts at work (which means he now works forty-EIGHT hours instead of 36. Annnnd he is taking an extra class, which means he has two college classes on his plate when he’s trying to work this ohhh-sooo-terrible schedule. He’s doing all of this because “I” am a deceiptful, nasty wife who didn’t explain to him just exactly how much money we did not have, and still continued to pay the bills. Let me translate this for you: I tell him repeatedly that I need his paychecks to be X. He repeatedly adds more and more to his 401k. I say again – DUDE, WE NEED MORE MONEY COMING into THE HOUSE. NOT MORE INTO YOUR 401K. HERE. Here. We Need More Income Here.
But he doesn’t listen, and so I keep moving forward like we always do, and he keeps doing the same, and now we’ve managed to come up with a few thousand dollars of debt. Joe is going to fucking stroke out about it he’s so insanely mad. He’s furious at me about it. He’s furious about my “lying” and my inability to really be very sorry about it.
I’m not very sorry. Honestly. I’m not, because I don’t know how many ways I could have explained it to him differently over the years that WE HAVE KIDS AND A HOUSE AND FOR FUCK SAKE, YOU DO NOT NEED TO PUT 12% OF YOUR INCOME INTO YOUR 401K.
So, we’ve pretty much been fighting about this for weeks. He keeps saying to me that he “wants the old me” back. That “the old me” had more drive, more determination to get things done, more ENERGY and URGENCY to do stuff. Clean out closets, go train for a 5k, occasionally scrub walls, etc. He says now I just don’t really share much urgency – like “yeah, it’s ok”, “maybe this weekend”, “if I get a chance to, I will”. I listen to him and I’m thinking .. well, yeah. I mean, I guess that really IS how I feel.
I spent a few years running like a madwoman. More than a few years, really. More like, OUR WHOLE LIFE. Then, when I broke (because there’s no other word for it really)… and made it out the other side… I realized that all of that shit doesn’t actually matter. I DO NOT CARE if the towels are not perfectly organized. Maybe some time, if I’m super bored, I’ll do that. But if I worked a fifty hour week, sorry babe – it’s just not going to happen. I don’t WANT it to happen. I WILL SLEEP. AND I WILL COLOR (my new addiction is adult coloring books). But I WILL NOT BREAK Again. Ever. EVER. The price paid by myself and all those who love me was more than anyone should ever pay for peace.
So after yet another fight, I had gone to bed. I decided to get out my Doreen Virtue angel-tarot cards. It was really beautiful, because for past, I got:
“You Are Safe”
For present, I got:
“Remember Who You Are”
And finally, for future, I got:
Joe texted back: “I’m frustrated”.
Me: “I know. But your frustration is at the past. Your current is being sacrificed because you’re struggling to let go of the shitty last few years. Just set it down. Allow yourself to forgive … it would free up so much space and energy.”
Joe: “Because of the shitty past few years, I need a partner that reinvents herself with me and makes a good future.”
I honestly didn’t even have to think about that one. My immediate and solid, with no question or doubt, response is No.
I will NEVER change myself for Joe, or anyone else. I will never forget that he ASKED me to.
I sent him the prettiest picture I could find of myself, and included the caption “I hope you never forget the day that you asked me to change myself. For you.”
Never. The answer is no. Just no.